Friends and Trolls! Call Me VPAL!

One of the worst feelings is that of a missed opportunity.

Look back to that exact moment it left. You were gazing right into it’s lovely eyes. You knew it was meant to be embraced, yet you stood there mute, motionless, and timid—absolutely paralyzed with the fear of the unknown, of the reaction, of the aftermath, but above all, the action of actually grabbing that grad opportunity by its hand. You think of this all while watching it walk away from you, but it exits just slow enough so that you may still catch up to it.

But you don’t. You let it go.

You coward.

It was a chance you knew you would never get again! COWARD! The only thing that consumes you now is regret, sorrow, and insecurity.

Next time an opportunity is presented to you take it. I’m sure the outcome will feel much more satisfying than the inadequacy that is currently gnawing at you.

I lack discipline in so many aspects of life that if I don’t take control now—IF I cannot mature in the next couple months—my chances of failing life are guaranteed. I have no one to blame but myself.

Perhaps I making things bigger than they seem. I think I am, but I don’t want to analyze it anymore. At this very moment I am overwhelmed with disappointment in myself. I don’t know how I let things get this bad. Wait, bad isn’t the right word…it’s not…it doesn’t even come close to how I feel about everything. No other word comes to mind though…

All I can think about is BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD in BIG, BLACK, DISTORTED letters scurrying across my body—written in an unnerving scribbled fashion, as though they were written by a psycho himself. Or someone with a terribly twisted mind.

I don’t know why, but this trivial rant reminds me of a video I watched years ago about B. F. Skinner and his denial of free will. “Skinner reduced all human behavior to environmental operant conditioning and ‘reinforcement’ of selected responses with rewards or punishment”. Something like that. Anyways, I digress; this is completely irrelevant. Sort of? I don’t know, I guess the notion of blaming someone else for my problems lingers in my subconscious. Society perhaps? No, of course not! I live in a society where one is in charge of their own destiny! I have to read Skinner’s actual philosophy on free will. Maybe I have him all wrong and don’t remember correctly.

Main Point: I need to get my priorities straight and focus on helping the world in whatever minuscule way I possibly can. More on the second half of that goal later. Now, sleep.